One of the things I have struggled with all my life is weight. Being told I wasn’t thin enough constantly when I was a child had me at the point where I wondered whether it was worth trying with weight and all around general. From 13 I was over eating in frustration, believing that I wasn’t good enough now so what was the use in making an effort at all. At the time I couldn’t see what people were doing, and in fact what I was doing to myself, all because I didn’t fit into a box they deemed acceptable. I was only a size 12, it’s not as if at that point I was unhealthily large. I was me, I was average and most of all I was normal.
This carried on up until I was around 23 and at that point I had a serious look at myself and knew I wasn’t who I deserved to be. I was hiding behind my weight and claiming I was fine with it. In reality I was miserable, I was in a relationship I didn’t want to be in but believed I deserved only this and nothing more. Thankfully that relationship broke down and it pushed me to do something about my weight.
Moving back home with my mum helped, it was the change from chippy dinners and microwave meals to home cooked meals everyday. From 2015 to 2016 I lost 4 stone and four dress sizes. I was, and still am, extremely proud. I felt and looked a whole lot different. My outlook on life changed. I started going out with friends again, enjoying things that only a few months earlier I would’ve never thought about doing. That still wasn’t enough for some people ‘only a bit more from here, here and here and you’ll be lovely. You’ve got such a pretty face it’s a shame.’
Flash forward it’s 2017, I’m in a beautiful, healthy and happy relationship with a man who I love so much and who feels the exact same about me and we find out we are pregnant! I’m happy, I never thought I would have children, in fact I wasn’t even sure if I wanted children until I met my partner.
Now along with my own anxiety about my weight always at the front of my mind, I still have people, close family telling me they hope I lose the baby weight and I can’t forget to shed the pounds afterwards. It sends me right back to when I was teenager, wondering if it’s worth it. Before any comments I was planning an extra healthy diet for me and my baby, I have cut out fizzy drinks and tried so hard to keep on track and it’s those remarks about MY body that have me wondering if I am pandering to them, losing weight for them and not myself.
I’m going to try and keep my head on as straight as I can, keep up the healthy eating for the little one and myself and ignore them, but I can only take so much. I wish I didn’t have to focus on my weight every day, thinking it’s the most important thing in the world. Having a supportive partner has done wonders for my self confidence and anxiety, I only hope I can continue to stay true to myself and not let the negative comments win, again!